Tales of VolTerror
by Felice09
Summary: The twins are running from Aro's peacemaking plans, whilst Felix and Heidi are trying and failing to make something in the kitchen for Gianna. updated. Reveiws required
1. Epilogue

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters of the Twilight world. They belong to Stephanie Meyer. The storylines should be original. The Volturi should be mad. But we're all mad here! (Insert author's crazy Cheshire grin at this point)

**Tales of Vol-terror **

The coven of the Volturi has a lot of spare time on their hands. Eternity spent with a select group of people can be very hard on the collective sanity of the group.

Most humans leave the family unit after 18 years. The family unit of the Volturi has lasted for several millennia, and although Chelsea's presence has improved this bond, certain events are liable to happen every few decades that cause deep roots of antagonistic feuding.

Events occur to break the monotony, and much time is wasted on efforts spent on getting even. Bets are made, dares are taken, fires are set, things are eaten, body parts removed, dresses worn, personal bubbles violated, mind gifts messed with, buildings destroyed, animals huggled, pranks are made, humans are eaten, Jane is annoyed, Alec is raped, Demetri is a pirate, Aro wears pigtails, Marcus has a hobby, Caius has a phobia, the Cullen's are trash talked, plays are performed, television is invented, fashions change, cooking is attempted, the 80's come to pass, and every bloody vampire is following the new "trend" of vegetarianism (damn vegans).

You have been warned.

AU: Expect some OOC moments. A first Twilight fic for me. And yes, I strongly dislike veganism. No offence to my darling Vegan pals. Volturi insanity to come.


	2. The Alec Bet Part 1

Felix and Demetri - The Alec Bet part 1

Alec rapped his fingers against his arm. The smallest gesture than can be seen to indicate the frustration he felt in this most uncomfortable situation.

Jane was standing across the other side of the chamber, her scarlet eyes darting between the perceived threats, as said perceived threats continued their yelling, oblivious.

"Demetri, back off! Alec's mine! He's been mine ever since I first set eyes on his cute little butt!"

"Uh-huh! Alec doesn't belong to you! He's my gorgeous boy toy! You're just jealous, Felix, that Heidi likes me. How dare you just latch on to Alec like he's second prize!"

"Latch? I? Hardly! He wants this! Don't you Alec? You want me just as I want you baby? You want all o' this! All o' this!"

Alec was sure he felt his eye twitch as he took in the most eerie sight of Felix's gyrating hip movements. Jane had trouble keeping a straight face, but then again, she was always the most expressive in her emotions. Alec was entirely the opposite, having hardly reacted in the face of such dramatic confrontation. He continued to stand leaning his back against the column of the chamber, a living statue, his arms crossed over his chest, his head tilted downwards, maintaining his red eyed death stare towards the apparently insane guard members.

Jane met Alec's glare, and she lifted one brow, exchanging in the silent commentary of twins her offer to painfully remove the dancing guard members.

The corners of Alec's mouth tweaked up in a smile as he very slightly shook his head. He could handle such a problem if it got out of hand, besides, it might be fun to see to what extent the men would go to in order to humiliate themselves in this way.

"Alec, sugar muffin! Do you want me to sing to you? Should I pen sonnets or offer you tribute?" Alec thought this was getting outrageous, as Felix bent down on one knee asking him this.

"Don't be ridiculous," scoffed Demetri, knocking Felix onto the floor with a split second swish of his hand. "Alec wouldn't want such petty things. If Alec wants anything, it's to be shown a good time, and I can show you a good time, Alec my darling!"

Alec was continuing his death stare. He knew their objective was to break it, and doubted if they had any idea of what they were saying, if they ever seriously suggested what their intent was.

Suddenly, Alec had a deliciously evil idea.

His sister Jane caught the glint in his eye, as twins are apt to do, and her petal shaped lips curved up in a smile. When Alec had such a glint in his eye, it was usually when the twins were up to some playful mischief, and playful mischief by Alec's book was all out Armageddon in any other book.

As Felix and Demetri were rolling around on the floor, (???) engaged in some sort of wrestling match to prove their prowess as purveyors of a "good time", for those who were watching closely, Alec's tense pose very subtly relaxed into one much more innocent.

His shoulders rolled forward, his hands were now holding the backs of his arms rather than crossed, his gaze softened with a fresh naïveté and his ruby eyes widened.

"Oh?" Alec broke the raucous sounds of fighting with his breathy sigh.

The room fell silent, taking in the change of the boy vampire's voice and pose.

Alec raised a hand to his mouth and made as if he were biting his nails, looking down demurely, then back up at the "amorous" vampires.

"I've never been shown a good time before. Can you show me what it is?" Alec's innocent façade was so realistic, the fighting vamps were unsure as how to move on.

Demetri and Felix looked at each other. They had made the bet, but was it worth it, or was Alec being truthful. Demetri knew Alec's conniving humour better than Felix had, having been the butt of several of his past jokes, but the child vampire was very young when he was turned.

Demetri stood up and walked towards Alec's pale frame, smouldering with his eyes, as Felix hesitantly looked around.

Their latest spectacle had drawn quite a crowd and he knew Sulpicia would not approve if he carried it too far. But he could not, would not lose another bet to Demetri, especially with stakes as high as this.

Felix followed Demetri as Alec stood looking up at them with wide eyes. Demetri ran his cold stone hand over Alec's cherubic cheek.

"I'm the freakin' PHD professor of "good time" beautiful." Demetri licked his lips.

It was getting hardcore.

Alec could see they weren't impressed with his bluff. Jane smiled wickedly; her brother was between a rock and a hard place. And from the looks of Demetri's determined expression, that place would soon be getting very hard. Alec could either back down and inevitably sulk about it in his silent-to-everyone-even-Jane-who-is-awesome way (as she liked to call it) or he could take it further until Demetri and Felix backed down, making it a win for Alec. Jane wondered if he was willing to pay the cost for winning, as that cost included her teasing him for the next few weeks until something more interesting happened.

Alec held Demetri's gaze. He raised his hand and took Demetri's swiftly and passionately in his grasp.

"Will you show me what it means to be beautiful, professor?"

Felix, seeing how far behind he was getting in the bet leapt forward to his drastic manoeuvre. Quickly sliding his hand round Alec's waist Felix pretty much groped Alec whilst he whispered loud enough for everyone to hear

"Let's see those beautiful clothes on the floor".

.

Let's just slow the following events down, to understand the speed with which they occurred.

Felix grabbed Alec in a last ditch attempt to win the bet.

Demetri, seeing this, tried to out do Felix by grabbing Alec's head and fiercely kissing him on the mouth.

Jane saw this as too much for Alec to handle and closed her eyes to focus her talent.

While her eyes were closed Aro, Caius and Marcus entered the chamber to see what the commotion was about.

Aro saw Demetri and Felix "seducing" Alec and quickly put his hand on Heidi's arm.

Caius's view was blocked by Aro's head and he only saw Felix groping Alec.

Marcus saw it all but was too bored to react.

Alec, having just been kissed by Demetri (absolute worst case scenario, equates in Alec's mind as rape) see's no amount of pride being worth such a scenario and immediately releases his talent in a large cloud like a mushroom bomb, so no one see's anything.

Jane is immune, and opens her eyes to see everyone frozen in place and Alec, stepping out from the tangle of bodies, pushing Felix and Demetri to the ground, is spitting and gagging with horror and revulsion.

"HA hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaah!"

"Urgh! That was disgusting!"

"Ah hah ah hah! Hah ha ha ha ha ha hah ah aha!"

"My God, do you think he raped me? Does that constitute as rape?"

"Hee hee heeeeeh heheheheheheheheheh!"

"Urgh! That's just … urgh!"

"Ha ha ha hah hoo hoo hoo heeh eheheheheheh!"

"I should get him for that. Just rip off a hand or something."

"Yeah, how will that go down? Unless you haven't noticed, loverboy, your little gift has left everyone in the dark here. Are they just going to wake up like that?

"Ha ha, yes, that would be quite hilarious, wouldn't it?" Alec gestures to his sister, Demetri and Felix's blinking faces quivering. "Oh, gosh, I can't feel my toes. That's because you don't have any! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Hmmm," murmured Jane with a thoughtful expression.

She walked up to Felix and Demetri, her brother followed with a curious step. Jane poked Felix fiercely in the stomach. She turned her head to Alec.

"He really can't feel that?"

"Do you want him to?"

Jane smiled her angelic smile at her brother.

"What was all that talk about removing a hand, Bruder am liebsten?"

The twins drew closer to the frozen forms of Felix and Demetri, lost in the swirling mist of the Novocain that Alec alone supplied, unaware of their imminent destruction.

The twin's laughter echoed through the chamber.

Expect Chapter 2 – the results and reactions, when the coven awakens.


	3. The Alec Bet Part 2

The mist finally parted and the Volturi guard slowly reassessed their surroundings. Aro looked up through the foggy mist of Alec's talent, and appraised his surroundings with new eyes, a knowing smirk on his face. Heidi was surprised to see her master so close behind her, as she was numbed when Aro held her arm. The pair took in the chamber with their gaze, as the assembled vampires shuddered and shook off the terrible feeling of the utter helplessness that afflicted them. The vampires were blinking in confusion and indignation, when suddenly, the two vampires on the floor, Felix and Demetri began howling.

Caius, having just regained his sight, began a similar rant of his own.

"My hand, Oh God, my HAND! –"

"Immoral to the core! I will not permit such molestation of rules –"

"Ahhrgh! Where is my hand, Oh God, Felix where is your hand?"

"My toes, I can't feel my toes!"

"Toes? Arrrghhh! Oh God no!"

"Perversion of the hierarchy of order!"

"I don't have hands or fe-e-eeeet!"

"I can't feel my toes!"

"-And ensure never to do that again!"

An awkward silence fell. Caius felt it was because his message got through to the wailing vampires, but Aro could plainly see it was because something else had distracted them. The head vampire let out a tinkling laughter, which was echoed by the rest of the guard, in a nervous "what-are-we-laughing-at" kind of way. Aro was the first to notice the disjointed twitching in the two vampire's trousers.

Suddenly, Demetri gave a high pitched yelp, which was soon followed by a similar squeal of Felix's. They both reached for their crotches with their handless arms. Shrieking and spluttering, Felix and Demetri struggled in a vain attempt to remove some sort of animate object from their pants. With no hands this proved to be very difficult. The entire guard could see the cause of their distress and by now were rolling on the floor, crying with laughter. After much shaking of trousers and pants dances, out of their trousers (one way or another) rolled two pairs of hands, obviously the severed appendages. Felix moved his arm towards the pair of hands his trousers held, expecting it to immediately join to his arm. When it didn't, he let out a girlish shriek!

"Urgh! Demetri, you sicko! What the hell was your hand doing in my pants?"

"Well, don't look at me, genius! I didn't cut them off! And you're just as bad! Look what your hands were doing!"

"Oh My God! Those damn impish twins! This is your fault! If you hadn't suggested this stupid bet in the first place-!"

Whilst the coven watched the slapstick event that was Felix and Demetri's hunt for the right hands, the wicked laughter of the twins reverberated from outside of the chamber window.

Upon hearing this, the empty handed vamps suckered on the correct appendages and limped their way to the window frame, the rest of the coven following like to chorus of a musical, eager to witness the new developments of their weekly entertainment.

Looking down into the elaborate Volturi garden, the vamps could see the petite figures of the young immortal twins, leaning on each other and shaking with laughter.

Jane and Alec were looking to be in remarkably good spirits, considering they had just responded to an immediate assault.

Demetri and Felix were leaning out the window. Demetri called to the twins.

"It's not funny! What did you do to my toes?"

Alec paused in his laughter, exchanging a mischievous glance with his sister.

They both reached into their coat pockets, simultaneously leaning away and drawing back up, in a way that it seemed they were merely reflections of each other, caught in a mirror between the two.

Two small steely objects were thrown with a deadly intensity to Felix and Demetri. As they were recovering the use of motor skills, they were ill co-ordinated to catch the flying objects, and were viciously pegged between the eyes.

"It's a treasure hunt!" Alec smiled sweetly.

The Vampires in the chamber looked down to the objects on the floor before Felix and Demetri, the footless wonders. Two toes lay on the floor before them.

The twins fell about laughing once more. Jane called up to the stunned vampires on the balcony.

"That'll teach you to _**toe**_ the line!"

The twins giggled in unison at the prospect of such wordplay.

Alec continued, "With one foot out the door!"

Jane howled with laughter, "Or – Or you'll be given the boot!"

They collapsed onto the edge of the tiered fountain, holding their stomachs, laughing still. They were joined by the tentative laughter of the rest of the guard, while Felix and Demetri stood aghast.

Aro grinned in the corner of the room. Although this was a highly unorthodox situation, Jane and Alec always have been highly unorthodox, both in their actions and their handling. He knew it was best to see this play out. A subtle chiding would be all that was required should anything get out of hand… or foot!

Felix promptly sat on the floor, grabbing both toes, and tried to secure them to his foot. Demetri followed suit, and tried to snatch the toes from Felix's grasp.

"Hey, give it here. They're my toes too!"

"You snooze, you lose. Whoever gets all their toes first wins!"

"As if! I'll find those toes first! Just wait and see."

"Oh sure. Demetri can find any body. News flash, they aren't on your body any more, they're mine!"

As the scuffle broke out between the shortened vampires, down in the garden the twins exchanged a satisfied grin.

"It will take them ages to find all 18 toes," Jane said with a light smirk.

"More or less than a year?" Alec queried

"Well, there is that one toe you stuck on a homing pigeon."

"Yes, well. I guess they won't be making any more stupid bets, which is a plus."

Up on the balcony, Felix had successfully regained one pinkie toe, and Demetri, one big toe. As they stood up and looked down into the garden they could see the twins beginning to walk away. Demetri caught Felix's eye and waggled his eyebrows. He silently mouthed "Bet's still on!" and a wide grin spread across his face. Felix gave a slight nod.

Demetri yelled at the top of his voice, "I bet you I can find all those toes before you ever will!"

"Oh YEAH?!" Felix quipped, smiling broadly. "I'll take your wager! Winner gets…?"

Demetri grinned; he knew he caught the retreating twin's attention.

"WINNER GETS ALEC!!!"

-

-

-

Aro wordlessly retreated from the chamber. He chuckled to himself, recalling Alec's blanched face, as if it could be any whiter. That child was so alluring, even when he was rejecting his admirers. He could still hear the screeching outcry from Demetri and Felix, as his darling Jane told them where they can stick their prize. It was days like these he was thankful that his guard had such characters. The week had been ridiculously boring, and had Aro not suggested to Chelsea to strengthen Felix and Demetri's bond, such events would never have occurred to break the monotony. He laughed at how such minor meddling had produced such hilarious results for him. "Make Alec scream" was the original bet. Well, they hadn't achieved that yet. Maybe they'd keep trying. They certainly made Jane scream, but her more subdued twin was less likely to fold. Aro laughed to himself once more, puzzling Reneta, his almost shadow guard. Maybe he'd pull a few strings. Get in on the bet too. He was sure there were a few things he could do to make Alec scream.

_

_

_

_

Demetri's left big toe was now in Cairo.

Chapter 3 coming up. Thanks for the two reviews, they were lovley and encouraging.


	4. Gianna's Unfortunate Lunch hour

Gianna was enjoying her lunch break in Castle Volturi. She felt quite secure in her position here as receptionist/accomplice to murder. No, she shouldn't think like that. Gianna sighed and continued eating. She wanted this life. And she liked it for the most part.

The people (vampires) were nice to her; she knew what she was meant to be doing fairly well. The Volturi valued her for her beauty her unswerving loyalty and her immaculate professionalism. And she was sure that when they turned her they would also value her sardonic sense of humour.

Gianna smiled a satisfied smile and resumed eating her lunch. She opened her mouth to take a bite, savouring the food, as she forgot to eat breakfast. She seemed to forget to eat the more time she spent with the vamps, which was bad for her grumbling stomach, but excellent for her figure. She loved her food. It would be the one thing she would miss as a vampire. Her thick, juicy sandwich was the centre of her world for this moment only. She was the type of person who could eat and eat and eat without gaining weight. Gianna smacked her lips and licked the tomato sauce that dripped from the thick crust of the sandwich onto her finger.

This was heaven.

Out in the immense Volturi gardens, Gianna's intense love of all things lunch was interrupted by Heidi and Felix, falling through the rose bushes.

"Damn you Felix!"

The voluptuous Heidi was splayed across the garden floor, her immaculate hair twisted around several birch twigs and ivy leaves. Her expression was comparable to a wrung out towel, as her face was twisted in a mask of distaste. For lying on top of her curvaceous form was the ever lumbering (for a vampire) Felix.

"Hold still, let me just… Urgh, it's in your hair!"

"You are in my hair you lumbering oaf! Remove your filthy paws before I remove them for you, then you can re-start your treasure hunt in HELL!"

"Heidi, you fricken psychopath! Your wearing my toe as a hair tie, now hold still!"

Heidi let out a piercing scream that echoed throughout the castle walls. There was much rolling around, swearing, confused humans, and curious vampires. When the silence fell, and a satisfied Felix forced his toe back on his lop sided foot with a dramatic "YES!!" Heidi and Felix sat up, and suddenly noticed their awe-struck audience. Gianna, frozen to her seat, was staring blankly at the place where the two vampires stood.

The staring was understandable, as Heidi was covered in tomato sauce with a birds nest hairdo, and Felix had only six toes. Heidi wondered if they had scared Gianna off with their clamorous fighting, Felix thought she was looking at his toes, and they both thought that they may have to eat her if she screamed in the next three seconds.

Gianna was slowly getting over the shock of the occasion. It wasn't the fighting that had spooked her, nor the fact that somehow Felix's toe was tied up in Heidi's hair and not on his foot, which was somehow fully functional despite the lack of his missing digits. No, her shock stemmed from the monumental disaster that occurred at the beginning of this fight. When Felix and Heidi flew through the bushes they knocked something from Gianna's waiting hand. A thing that meant the world to her.

Her lunch!

The two vampires saw the very prominent movement on Gianna's face, the movement that broke her stupor. Her lower lip jutting out.

Gianna's eyes were watering, and her beautiful face became the very picture of anguish. Heidi was concerned, or at least, she knew she should be concerned, but she had no idea what was distressing this human so much.

Bending down to meet her gaze, as one would a child's, Heidi gently asked the crying girl.

"Gianna, what's wrong?"

With trembling hands, Gianna reached up into Heidi's tangled mop, and carefully withdrew her beloved sandwich.

The battered meatball sub was a sopping mess in the sweet human's outstretched hands.

Felix laughed, that the messy object was once again in Heidi's hair. It was like the hair was a magnet for mess, as her curls held a manila of objects now. Leaves, twigs, stone cobbles, perhaps a bird or two. However, he was sure that the toe wasn't placed in there by accident. He hated twins.

"What is that thing?" Felix poked it with a curious finger.

Gianna sniffed, "It's my… my luuuuuunnnch!" She began wailing again. Her plaintive crying causing Felix to react as the universal paradigm for man does when confronted with a crying hysterical woman. Felix became nervous and pacey.

"You don't want to eat that. It's gross, look; it's got dirt all over it, and Heidi's hair."

Heidi gave Felix a sharp look.

"You aren't helping, Felix!!" He was having too much fun, thought Heidi vindictively, and it was his fault in the first place that her usually immaculate hair was now this… this behemoth!

Gianna continued to sniff and sob, mourning her meatball sub.

"No, really, how can you eat that stuff?" Felix pressed on.

"Just because you don't eat!" Gianna snapped, "I've been waiting all day to eat that meatball sub! You can't just mush it flat in some misguided attempt to find your feet, and then expect me to just smile and laugh like I don't know that I'm already a meal! Go on; go ahead, I don't care anymore! You have just removed my motivation to continue working here! Do your own bloody paperwork!"

At which Gianna burst into dramatic tears and both Felix and Heidi found themselves uncharacteristically compelled to comfort the crying human. Indeed it was as if the sobbing female had personally got out a knife, cut open their chests, and was playfully tugging on the heartstrings of the two, powerful, immortal vampires who were reduced to helpless piles of marble when confronted with this crying girl.

Why didn't they kill her, just then and there? They would have in any other case like this. Instead, both Heidi and Felix gently patted the receptionist on her fragile, shaking shoulders, and whispered reassurances to her, that it would all be alright and would she please stop crying.

"Look," whispered Felix,"Don't worry, OK Gianna? We'll get you another sandwich. We have a kitchen in the castle; we can get it made up all nice and fresh, just how you would like it."

Gianna gave several hesitant snuffles. "Really?"

"Sure," Heidi smiled, a gentle smile, with few teeth showing to put the girl at ease,"Why, I'll make it myself. Would you like that?"

Heidi was a disaster in the kitchen, even when she was human. She remembered fleetingly a time when she burnt the cooking room in one of the convents her father had sent her to, when she was asked to boil some water. But that was water, she figured, and that it must have been much trickier than food was. Who cooks water? Water isn't people food? Heidi was as blonde then as she is now. Surprisingly.

"You would do that for me? Thank you so, so much Heidi!"

"And Felix will help too."

Felix nodded in a distracted way, paying little attention to what Heidi said, as usual, and thinking about places where the twins could have hidden his other four toes.

Together the trio headed into the unexplored parts of the castle (unexplored for Gianna that is) in through the antique stone passageways to a rather dusty, 1950's style kitchen.

"I forgot we renovated here in the 50's." Heidi commented.

"It's very… dusty" Gianna grimaced as she wiped a finger over the countertop to exhume 40 years of dust from the marble surface.

"You can't eat dust, right?" Felix asked, with a spring to his step. Gianna thought he was excited at the prospect of cooking after however many years. Heidi thought something was wrong with his foot.

"You'll really help me cook my lunch?" Gianna asked again. She was in wonderment at the helpfulness that these usually detached, stoic, composed immortals were showing her. She hadn't been around them for very long, so whilst this wasn't an effective judgement of character it cheered Gianna up.

"We are going to provide you with the best human feed of your life!" Heidi announced, pulling on her rubber gloves for some reason. Felix licked the dusty marble countertop in fearless anticipation, as out in the garden the twins Jane and Alec walked past a mysterious red stain by the rose bushes.

Heidi turned on the stove.

Expect the next chapter, wherein the cooking begins, and things are eaten. Can you see Gianna's value yet?


	5. Flight of the Twins

Jane and Alec were enjoying a brisk midday walk through the Volturi gardens as was their custom on a Wednesday. Not entirely true, the brisk walk was actually a hasty retreat before Master Aro could "question" the twins on the whereabouts of the toes they had re-distributed, as the toeless vampires aforementioned have been turning the castle upside down.

They were toeing the line between amusing spectacle and infuriating nuisance, so the twins had been avoiding Aro like the plague. They knew it wasn't above him to give the game up to Felix and Demetri by telling them what the twins knew. Jane and Alec were becoming quite frantic in their avoidance now, as the obvious twitch in Caius' eye had begun to intensify to the point wherein the twins feared Aro would force his talent on them, and they knew this from experience.

The last time they "withheld information" they were held with the strong vampiric arms of half the guard as the elaborate game of cat and mouse they led culminated in the twins pinned to the wall while their imperious Master took the information from them forcefully. They had sulked for a year.

The running jog of a walk passed the stone bench when the twins paused to take in the mixed sights and sounds of the strange scenery. A scuffle had taken place, involving Heidi, Felix, Gianna, and some tangy human food, as deduced by the twins sniffing.

Jane smiled at her brother, "Look, a red stain. Perhaps they killed her finally?"

Alec raised his eyebrow. "Did you want her?"

"No, but killing her would have been nice."

"I always found her mild and passing courteous." Alec's sarcastic smirk surfaced on his smooth mouth. The smile he reserved for his sister.

Jane sniffed once more. "Her eyes were too close together."

"What?"

"Nothing…"

"Her eyes, Ha, Jane Jane Jane. Jane who is hundreds of years old."

"Shut up Alec."

"Jane who is hundreds of years older, more dignified, more refined, more cultured - "

"I mean it Alec."

"This is the only fault you find in one you would find dead?"

"Well, it matters not to me which way she is found dead. These humans are interchangeable; that it could be any that is dead. It doesn't count if I find fault in her for she would not know, nor care, nor be in any position to take issue with it. Her position would be in one place."

Alec looked away from his sister.

"And that place would be ten feet under the soil." Jane continued.

Alec sighed and walked towards the stone bench.

"Or in several places, depending on how she became so dearly departed." Jane smiled. "Oh, lighten up Alec! It's just another dead human."

Alec paused by the red stain. He inhaled once more, a strange look on his face.

"That doesn't smell like blood to me," Alec noted. "She must be alive. Ah, smell her trail. It leads back to the castle."

Jane sniffed, "Urgh, what is that smell then? It's all… tangy."

"Its tomato," Alec replied. "Italian bread, Oregano, Turmeric, Beef, Basil, Parsley, Cheeses; Cheddar, Mozzarella, Parmesan, Feta."

Jane scowled. Her brother's superior sense of smell was a perpetual thorn in her side. Since they were naturally immune to each other's talents, the little details of enhancements in the original vampiric talents were how they could get the edge over one another. His edge was smell, but that was a creepy edge to have, Jane thought.

Pinching her nose with thumb and forefinger, Jane leaned towards her brother and in a nasal voice, quipped, "A-Thank you for that a-detailed analysis, Herr Gelangweildt."

They laughed.

"Where did they go? Do you think they found the toe in Heidi's hair?"

"Lets find out."

The twins grinned at one another, Alec patted the small of his back and Jane leaped on in piggy back.

With an immeasurable feat of strength they spun around and smashed the stone bench to rubble in a roundhouse twin kick.

Shrieking with glee the twins raced up to the castle, as Gianna's soupy fate was sealed.


	6. Cooked Kitchen

"Uuum, I'm not sure that you put-"

"Relax, Gianna. It says in the recipe to add oil to the pan. Do you doubt my awesome cooking skills?"

"No, but it's really not a good idea to –"

"AHHHHH!"

A tongue of flame licked up the wall of the Volturi's long forgotten kitchen, setting the curtains alight. The rickety gas oven exploded, incinerating the pan, the stove the ceiling. Gianna was pressed up behind Felix's back, as he blocked the flaming room from her. Heidi was not so lucky.

"Aww, shit! Felix, my hair is on fire."

"Well, PUT IT OUT, Idiot!"

Felix rushed Heidi and Gianna out of the burning room and into the gardens. Heidi ran faster and threw her head into the lavish fountains, putting out the flames.

"What the hell is wrong with you Heidi? You can't just set shit on fire! Do you even know how to cook?"

"I put the oil in the pan, ok? That's what the book said, I didn't do anything wrong!" She flipped her sopping hair out of her face. It was quite the mess now, with wet cinders, twines of thorn leaves in it, and a touch of Bolognese decorating the once blonde mop. She didn't have to hunt for a while, so it was just as well.

"That wasn't the right oil, Heidi." Gianna said meekly, her eyes still dazzled by the flames. "Petrol isn't good for cooking, that's why it exploded."

"Petrol?!" Felix yelled at Gianna in disbelief. "She put Petrol on top of a lit gas flame?"

"Well, you were there too Felix. If you knew so much about which human cooking juices explode, you could have told me sooner. But No. You wanted to know what dust tastes like!"

"And what, you wanted to know what FIRE tastes like?!"

Gianna sat by the edge of the fountain, taking deep breaths and rationalising her situation. She was never getting the sandwich, or that hour of her life back. She sighed and put her head in her coal dusted hands.

Suddenly, the unnerving sound of two similar voices speaking simultaneously sounded from either side of Gianna's head.

"Ooh, someone barbequed the little mortal then, did they?"

Gianna's head shot up, as four cool hands of the twins stroked the black dust on Gianna's face. She had two black handprints on either side of her face. Alec turned her face in his direction.

"Will you look at this, sister dear? Some new fashion in face paint mayhap?"

Jane snaked her hands around Gianna's face and turned it to her direction.

"Or some very permanent slap marks, brother?"

Felix and Heidi stopped arguing and turned to face the twins. Felix was livid.

"You little devils. I'll give you some slap marks in a minute!"

Jane raised her delicate brow. "Is that directed to me, or my brother? Because you know that in good conscience, I can't allow either."

Alec shot Jane a piercing look.

"Where are my toes?!" Felix yelled.

"Well, where did you leave them?" Alec queried with a smile.

"I left them on my foot! They were on my foot, and you cut them off!"

"Really, now. Such scandalous allegations will get you nowhere Felix."

Gianna felt faint. "You cut off … his – oh my!" And with that the human slumped backwards off the bench and fell head first into the fountain. A splash followed by a dull thud could be heard. Felix and Heidi froze. The twins leaned over from their perch on the fountain.

"She doesn't thrash as much as the other drowners. It's almost graceful." Jane observed.

"I think she hit her head on the bottom." Alec noted.

"Oh Gods! She's drowning!" Heidi jumped and ran to the fountain, pulling the drowned mortal out.

"Argh! This is your fault!" Felix yelled, pointing at the twins.

"No it's not." Jane said with wide innocent eyes.

"We didn't touch her" Alec added.

"She drowned of her own accord. Silly that." Jane smiled.

Heidi held the limp form of Gianna's body in her arms, water pouring slick from the both of them. Heidi pressed her head against Gianna's chest.

"Her heart is slowing. She is dying." She said this with a surprisingly remorseful expression on her face, like the pull of Gianna's charisma affected her still.

The assembled vampires were quiet for the moment.

"Well, what do we do now?" Felix asked.

"We could turn her. She did want that, right?" Heidi asked.

Jane blinked in confusion. "What? What was that? Turn the human? The secretary? Why?"

Heidi looked away, embarrassed.

Felix looked thoughtful. "We'll have to call Aro."

The twins exchanged a knowing glance. Alec addressed the vampires.

"You can do that then. We'll be on our way."

"No," Felix insisted. "You have to stay and report your part in this."

"You can do that for us then!" Jane said quickly with a smile. "You know what happened. We do not want the secretary."

Felix suddenly understood the twin's unwillingness to report to Aro. He darted out and grabbed Alec by the arm. With a leer he whispered into Alec's ear, "You aren't going anywhere, my lovely escapee. We're going to find all of those toes, and we are going to find them now."

Alec silently writhed away from Felix's iron grasp. Jane looked about, Heidi was still holding the human mortal, but she could hear the approach of the master's and their wives, strolling through the gardens, towards the commotion. The commotion!

Felix heard it too, and as Alec was pushing his booted foot in Felix's face, Felix yelled out; "Master's! Aro! Caius! Marcus! We have a situation over her - GAH!"

Jane sent Felix convulsing to the ground. She grabbed Alec's arm and they ran faster than they've ever ran before out of the gardens and up to the castle. Climbing the walls with their bare hands, they ascended to their bedroom window within a second of Felix's yell.

Aro, Caius, Marcus, Athenodora, Reneta and Sulpicia glided skilfully into the fountain clearing, as Felix broke from his warbled twitching and Heidi watched, still holding the limp mortal's body.

Aro raised a papery eyebrow, and reached out to touch Heidi's bare shoulder.

The assembled crowd, watching the now smiling Aro, nodded knowingly towards the shuddering Felix. Of course, this was twin mischief, they thought.

"Ha ha ha!" Aro smiled at Heidi delighting in her blonde moments. "So you blew up the kitchen, did you?"

The assembled vampires turned their heads towards the smoking ruins of the Volturi kitchen.

"Do we need a new kitchen?" Caius enquired.

"No, we never needed a kitchen." Marcus exhaled.

"Well, do we want a new one?" Caius asked.

Aro was examining the onslaught of information he had received, and he paused at one bit. He leant closer to the prone figure of Gianna. Her laboured heartbeats stilling.

"How peculiar. This one may have been talented after all."

Marcus sighed. "She's dying…"

"Talented how?" was the immediate question Caius posed.

"Similar to Chelsea, but … oh"

"What?"

"She passed."

The gathered vampires looked down towards the prone body of Gianna, the sadly mortal secretary.

Felix jolted back into consciousness.

"The twins, the twiiins! Tiny faces, tiny hands everywhere! Gahhh, stealing…my…my toes! Where are… They've got my… TOEESS!"

Heidi gave Felix a deadpan look of loathing.

"Oh, hey Heidi. Nice hair." Felix smirked.

"Yeah," she replied. "Well, I hope you never find your toes."

"Ouch"

Felix sniffed.

"Whoa, dead human. What happened?"

"She died, stupid."

"Died, a quick death." Aro mused. "Too quick, perhaps. It is a shame."

Felix looked up.

"You wanted her?"

"She was talented." Aro replied.

Felix smirked. "I'll bet."

Heidi gave Felix a sharp hit across the back of his head.

"Ow! Hey, are you gonna eat that?"

From the window across the castle, the twins heard the resounding thwack of Felix's skull hitting the pavement and shared a grin of relief and vengeance.

….

Bet – Make Alec scream was still on…

Toe count

Felix - 6

Demetri - 8


End file.
